The Stage 1

  His arm is around my back as we make it back stage and somehow end up alone in a corridor though we should be surrounded by staff and crews but there is only him and me there allowing me to speak freely. I know he knows what is going through my head even if he doesn't know what happened tonight and when he squeezes my hip I know he is trying to be there for me regardless. If I didn't have these great guys around me I would have fallen so long ago but as it is now I can keep fighting without the public knowing about it because the band catches me every time I fail, like now. CC clears his throat as we reach the door where he is supposed to be getting ready and I know he is expecting me to say something though he won't mind if I don't so I have to. Closing my eyes I rest my forehead against the cold wall while trying to come up with something to say but everything is blank until the girl from earlier pops into my mind and I sob helplessly. I desperately wish I knew why some girls affect me more then the rest and this one especially seeing as she doesn't really care which one she screws as long as it's a member out of our band.

"Why do they all do this CC?"
"Because they're groupies Andy. They just want our bodies and that is all."
"I want more then that…"
"I know you do and I'm sorry this one was a bitch. The next one catching your eye might be a dream come true though, don't give up just yet.
"You're right. And I'm meeting her at the party starting about… now!"

  We both laughed at the idea of me meeting the love of my life at an after party as we walked back to the dressing rooms but when the door close behind me the sound gets stuck in my throat. It's weird but even after all these insane women trying to get my attention amongst other things by promising everything a man could ever want or dream of except the one thing I truly want and I suddenly hate being single. I don't normally mind it because we're always busy doing stuff and the only time I have to feel lonely is when I'm alone in my bunk or bed if we stay in hotels and even then it's only for a couple of minutes before I pass out. Seeing her tonight brought back something I thought was long forgotten though and the pain rushing through my veins brings tears my eyes. I wish I wasn't so ashamed about it but sometimes I wish I was more like Ashley and could just fuck anyone without caring about the consequences then move onto the next fan willing to do whatever I want there and then.
  The idea of using something as beautiful as most of the females hanging around us is going against everything I know and have learnt about how to treat women and my mother would never forgive me if I did that to them. Sighing I wipe more of the black makeup off my face as I let my mind dwell on my family but a harsh knock on the door brings me back from memory lane and Jinxx voice makes me smile. I don't believe it when he tells me I've been in here for 15 minutes already but I'm not going to fight someone that matters that much to me because of something this silly and I shout back that I'll hurry. It's a lie of course because I haven't even undressed yet or finished removing the paint and I need to put it all back on before I can get back to the party so why doesn't my fingers move any faster then before? Staring at myself in the mirror only makes me frown because the person glaring back at me isn't at all what they all see when they look at me and I hate the reflection of myself showing flaws and mistakes everywhere.

"Why can't you just be what they want you to be?"

  If I could have I would have had the mirrors removed from my changing room but sadly I need them to put my mask on in order because every tiny difference is noticed and our fans will discuss it which I don't want. I love them to pieces but every time they start talking about how I look or what I am wearing a chain of thoughts appear in my head making me feel like it's not enough and I need to change things to please them. If I do though they talk more and the circle is closed leaving me in the middle without any way out and the water gathering in my eyes are threatening to fall when someone suddenly enters the room. Without looking I know its Ash and I know he is worrying about me as he slowly walks over to where I'm standing then without a word pulls the cotton ball from my fingers to finish my demasking. I can see in his eyes that he is concerned with my behaviour lately or maybe just today though I don't know how to make him stop and with that in mind I don't even try. His soft fingers brush my skin as he moves quickly around my face to remove every trace of darkness then when he's finished within a couple of minutes he gently spins me around before pushing me towards the tiny shower.

"Shower then I'll put your makeup back on for you. They're waiting for us."
"Thanks Ash"
"We need to talk… But party first and then sleep"
"…yeah."

  Water rushing down my body feels really nice and if I had time I would stay in that small cubical for the rest of the night though I know I would look even worse then before if I did and the guys would come get me before midnight which is less then an hour away. Leaning my head back I let the water cascade down my back and chest which sooth the burning pain in my heart and I start rubbing my face to wash the memories of the girl and Jake away before they become permanent in my mind. Not only is he one of my better friends but someone I work with and live with 24/7 so I have to be able to look him in the eye and act normally around him so I can't be jealous at the man. He hasn't done anything wrong and yet I want to punch him for taking my girl even though she never was mine to start with and once more the thoughts clog my mind making me want to cry. If Jake knew what something as simple as giving our fans what they want created in me he would never forgive himself and I know I can't tell him without ruining what we have so why do I keep thinking I should do exactly that? Ashley's voice cuts through the darkness inside my skull and I open my eyes only to have water sting them and I turn the taps to end my shower just as a towel comes through the door with a smiling bassist behind it.

"You know I hate doing this to you mate but you have come out now. So why don't you dry off and then I'll help you with the rest."
"Ok."

  They're so sweet to me and caring and loving because they worry about me and still I can't believe them when they tell me how special I am to them and that they love me for who I am, not the image media gives the world. We have worked so hard to get here and I'm risking it all because I can't handle what's going on anymore but every time I am close to losing myself in the depression they close in on me and hold me up. I'm so grateful for everything they do for me and having Ashley gently dry my hair with a towel while I use the one he handed me seconds before only adds to the idea that I'm a burden. Looking up into those brown eyes I know he will go upset with me if I tell him what is in my mind right now and I don't want to worry him even more so I smile up at him hoping he will see how thankful I am. He returns the gesture without thinking about it and then tosses the towel to the floor in the corner before picking up a small jar containing the black makeup we all use to start painting my face. Closing my eyes I let him do whatever he wants because the truth is that he knows my mask as well as I do and he has put it on me before without any trouble and I trust him with my life so I won't fight him or the free hand sliding down my arm.

"You know I love you Andy, right?"
"Yeah I do."
"Just wanted to remind you…"
"I love you too Purdy."
"Good. Now get that skinny little ass out there! The girls are waiting for us."

  Opening my eyes to glance up at him I am greeted by a smug smirk I recognize from so many times before and I know he isn't thinking about me anymore as his mind has already moved onto which ever girl comes his way first. Blood red lips show up before my eyes every time I close them and jealously grabs a hold of me as I watch one of my best friends do a little victory dance before disappearing through the door again without another word. My mood falls again as I am left alone though I know it shouldn't make a difference because Ashley is just being himself and hunting easy prey is something he does every chance he gets no matter where we are. Another sigh fills the room as I pull my pants back on then looks for a shirt of some kind to cover my body from sight but before I can grab the fabric hanging over the back of the sofa Jake is calling for my attention from outside the door. Being told they are all waiting for me makes me feel sick to my stomach but there is nothing I can do when CC comes inside my dressing room and gives me a tight hug before dragging me out of it. The drummer is smiling at me encouraging as he nods towards the club where a mass of bodies is moving to music I can't yet here but know is ours and I want to run for the hills not to have to go through the door to smile for hours when all I want to do is sleep.